You can explain anything in the world by using the word science. Why is the sky blue? well you could go on and on about boring things like the composition of the atmosphere and the electromagnetic spectrum but I normally respond to these perplexing questions with the simple answer of science. It makes you feel intelligent and confuses the poop out of the person who asks the question, because you are right . Another example is why do airplanes stay in the sky? most idiots would try to delve into some retarded banter about drag coefficients, lift and ratios of weight and power. Why not ignore all these silly things that no one cares about and say science. Try it out, it will make you laugh and possibly ruin someones day.
The addition of the word smith as a suffix to any sort of profession or skill has been lost in the past few decades. The glory days of smith were during the industrial revolution when the term blacksmith was coined. I enjoy adding the ending of smith to any word possible. It would be awesome to bring back ol' smith and use it in odd and interesting situations. There are three main ways to use smith. You can add it on the end of a word as it was conventionally used and develop terms such as truthsmith , wordsmith, drinksmith or poopsmith. You can simply use it by itself and say things like " Freddie is a total smith" meaning that Freddie is the best at what ever you are talking about at the time. Also the term smithed can be used to describe a job well done . An example of this could be " Did you see the game last night?.... The hawks smithed the scrotum's right off of the raptors" .
Wizard is an amazing word . I cannot get enough of it. It can be used in similar situations as the word smith but it has the advantage of being a mystical term. Wizards walk the earth disguised as regular air breathing humans but they are significantly different from you and I. You might know a few but you can never really understand how they do what they do. Wizardry comes in many different forms including: athletics, academic, electronics, language, music or flexibility. There are many other different types of wizards and probably some that I do not even know about. These individuals are normally awkward in other areas of their lives due to their wizardness. If a person can program a particle accelerator but cannot make the ya ya ya with a person of the opposite sex on a regular basis they are most likely a wizard. If a person can hit a golf ball 600 yards but cannot stop themselves from making the ya ya ya with every non wizard on the planet then they are most likely a wizard. So use the term in the right situation and be careful wizards are smarter than you .
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Frank's up the fuckin' tree!
Frank Franklin does not know how to operate a god damn snowmobile. He does love getting absolutely Franklined from a potent concoction of gin and cough syrup and then hoping on one of these machines. His last adventure on a snowmobile caused an uproar in the community. He was the first man in the county to be rescued from a tree from the result of a sledding accident.
Here is the statement that Frank gave to the fire chief after being rescued from the tree. Please understand that Frank was incredibly high on the" syrup" and drunk off his ass from gin. Also Frank's use of words is limited and a bit confusing due to the head injuries he has suffered over the years from games of rock hurling.
His words mainly come out with some frenchness due to his upbringing in Quebec. Due to his disgusting baked beaned teeth and halitosis most people like to stand at least 6 feet away from Frank Franklin when they are speaking with him.
Fire Chief Burt " Burnt " Beetles has recorded this interview in regards to the incident and it has been transcribed as follows: (note: all words are spelled and transcribed the way that Frank would like them to be spelled as he is a drunk, frenched up and a totally irrational human.)
Burnt: Frank Franklin why were you up in the tree?
Frank Franklin: weel' Burnter ... ey was jus given'r the ol' goose eh and ..da ol ski felled off of the da ol trike de neige(snowmobile). Je drive' the sled very quick eh.
B: Frank francis Franklin that does not explain us finding you 35 feet up in the tree hanging by a pair of soiled and stolen police pants. The only reason why you are not being charged by the police for this incident is that Constable Skink is too involved .... Do you undertsand that the fire rescue team and police force have more important things to do than look after drunken fools like youself? ..So i'll ask you once again ... why were you up in the tree?
FF: I start from le begining ... ol fishy (Cynthia Fishburne) got a chuck a de mayo in da tits at Darrells maison de chaud(house warming) two days ago. Elle(she) was tres(very) hurt and je thought I should ahh helpe' mon friend fishy.Darrell de la Barrell et moi decided to ahh retaliete' to le stinky skinks. We decided to ahh you know make le war de merde or as you say a war of shit. Dis' is not your con-ven-tin-al war of de poop it was many tricks to put our feces in these dicks de la face apartment. Darrell de la Barrell et moi(and me) started with le envolope trick avec(with ) le splatter cat poop and le shaving cream. You make the trick with one grande envolope, one foaming shaving cream and one tres violent post beer poope' . You put you bum bum up against da envolope and make le splatter cat poope' dans(in) da envolope et put in the whole can of shaving cream. Then I close it but do not lick it sealed and make a shake so you get a poope' foamy mix. Then me et Darrell put the stinkelope under constable skinks apartment door and a big cutting board on top. Ces't tres drolle(its very funny) haha funny times we counted to three .... une , deux, trois.... and we jumped on the board of cut and BOOOOM!!! shit hit the fan hahahaha or every wall in the skinks apartment. HAHA STINK SKINKS.
B: That is disgusting Frank! What the hell is wrong with you? Were the Skinks home at the time?
FF: It was past three so le miss Sheman , I mean Sheila was shaving at home. Haha we pro-bab-ly helped her by putting some shit cream on that beard she tries to make the tame to.
B: Was Constable Harold Skink at home?
FF: He was just parking le auto de police in the basement and ol fishy was ready for him. She was so angry about one of her tits explode' from mayo. She had made diss bombs to throw at him when he was coming up le stairs.
B: What the fuck are diss bombs?
FF: my favorite weapon in la war of shit. It is a combo weapon.... a water ballon filled with diarrhea and piss. You make it by....
B: STOP right there! I don't want to know how you made those terrible creatures. What are you on Frank? please tell me that fishchimney didn't hurl a armload of diss bombs on to Constable skinks head.
FF: Well ... I'm on about a 40 of gin and about 6 bottles of buckleys. Je don't like the taste but it gets me to the zone de wonder. Oh... yeah fishy hit that dick de la face with 13 diss bombs from about 2 floors up. She had le precious barrell of Darrell full of the diss and dumped it over the third floor edge. HAHA she forgot how tres heavy the barrell was and it went over the edge too. HAAA (Frank then coughs a bit and projectile vomits on the Burnter) Sorry I must of had a bit to much of de syrup.... but a yeah the barrell is about a... ya know 70 lbs and it fell on Skinkies head ... ahh it knocked him to next week ya know.
B: Get a hold of yourself.... If you ever barf of me again I will light you on fire. Is that when you stole constable skinks pants? ......Ahh your barf smells like vicks vapour rub and doritos.... yuck!
FF: Yeah we stole pants and I put them on cause I like to have put my genitals where other mens genitals come from. ..... but We all had to get out of there before ol stinky skiny beard came down from up stairs and before on constinkieskink woke up from his extende' sleep du shit.
B: Did all three of you get on the snowmobile? Do you realize that it is June? .....
FF: Yes i know it is a bit de strange but it is mon only mode de transport. You know you can still go 100 miles an hour on le sled in the summer? ... hahaha tres viet ... the only thing is I go through le skis very fast cause de pave. So I droppe Darrell and ol fishy at her place and made off for home in the woods. I decided to take a short cut through de skate park and make' un petite jump for le fun.
B: Is that how you got in the tree?
FF: Yeah I shit my pants and blacked out right before I hit the vert rampe' going about 75 miles an hour. So I guesse' that might be how I got in the stupid tree .. I don't know who planned this skate park its no good fun for snowmobiles.
B: Well thats all I need to know , your snowmobile is being impounded until the winter unless you can come up with $10,000. You are very lucky that Harold and Sheila Skink initiated this entire jar of shit cause its the only reason you are getting off this easy. Harold's Dad ..Govenor Skink wants this swept under the rug as soon as possible. Is there anything else you have to say for youself?
FF: I just came in my soiled pants...I was jacking le snake during the whole interview!
B: That's it Frank... I've had enough.. GO HOME ..GO TO BED...GET A BRAIN!!!!
FF: Good night Burnter ... Shit happens!!!
Here is the statement that Frank gave to the fire chief after being rescued from the tree. Please understand that Frank was incredibly high on the" syrup" and drunk off his ass from gin. Also Frank's use of words is limited and a bit confusing due to the head injuries he has suffered over the years from games of rock hurling.
His words mainly come out with some frenchness due to his upbringing in Quebec. Due to his disgusting baked beaned teeth and halitosis most people like to stand at least 6 feet away from Frank Franklin when they are speaking with him.
Fire Chief Burt " Burnt " Beetles has recorded this interview in regards to the incident and it has been transcribed as follows: (note: all words are spelled and transcribed the way that Frank would like them to be spelled as he is a drunk, frenched up and a totally irrational human.)
Burnt: Frank Franklin why were you up in the tree?
Frank Franklin: weel' Burnter ... ey was jus given'r the ol' goose eh and ..da ol ski felled off of the da ol trike de neige(snowmobile). Je drive' the sled very quick eh.
B: Frank francis Franklin that does not explain us finding you 35 feet up in the tree hanging by a pair of soiled and stolen police pants. The only reason why you are not being charged by the police for this incident is that Constable Skink is too involved .... Do you undertsand that the fire rescue team and police force have more important things to do than look after drunken fools like youself? ..So i'll ask you once again ... why were you up in the tree?
FF: I start from le begining ... ol fishy (Cynthia Fishburne) got a chuck a de mayo in da tits at Darrells maison de chaud(house warming) two days ago. Elle(she) was tres(very) hurt and je thought I should ahh helpe' mon friend fishy.Darrell de la Barrell et moi decided to ahh retaliete' to le stinky skinks. We decided to ahh you know make le war de merde or as you say a war of shit. Dis' is not your con-ven-tin-al war of de poop it was many tricks to put our feces in these dicks de la face apartment. Darrell de la Barrell et moi(and me) started with le envolope trick avec(with ) le splatter cat poop and le shaving cream. You make the trick with one grande envolope, one foaming shaving cream and one tres violent post beer poope' . You put you bum bum up against da envolope and make le splatter cat poope' dans(in) da envolope et put in the whole can of shaving cream. Then I close it but do not lick it sealed and make a shake so you get a poope' foamy mix. Then me et Darrell put the stinkelope under constable skinks apartment door and a big cutting board on top. Ces't tres drolle(its very funny) haha funny times we counted to three .... une , deux, trois.... and we jumped on the board of cut and BOOOOM!!! shit hit the fan hahahaha or every wall in the skinks apartment. HAHA STINK SKINKS.
B: That is disgusting Frank! What the hell is wrong with you? Were the Skinks home at the time?
FF: It was past three so le miss Sheman , I mean Sheila was shaving at home. Haha we pro-bab-ly helped her by putting some shit cream on that beard she tries to make the tame to.
B: Was Constable Harold Skink at home?
FF: He was just parking le auto de police in the basement and ol fishy was ready for him. She was so angry about one of her tits explode' from mayo. She had made diss bombs to throw at him when he was coming up le stairs.
B: What the fuck are diss bombs?
FF: my favorite weapon in la war of shit. It is a combo weapon.... a water ballon filled with diarrhea and piss. You make it by....
B: STOP right there! I don't want to know how you made those terrible creatures. What are you on Frank? please tell me that fishchimney didn't hurl a armload of diss bombs on to Constable skinks head.
FF: Well ... I'm on about a 40 of gin and about 6 bottles of buckleys. Je don't like the taste but it gets me to the zone de wonder. Oh... yeah fishy hit that dick de la face with 13 diss bombs from about 2 floors up. She had le precious barrell of Darrell full of the diss and dumped it over the third floor edge. HAHA she forgot how tres heavy the barrell was and it went over the edge too. HAAA (Frank then coughs a bit and projectile vomits on the Burnter) Sorry I must of had a bit to much of de syrup.... but a yeah the barrell is about a... ya know 70 lbs and it fell on Skinkies head ... ahh it knocked him to next week ya know.
B: Get a hold of yourself.... If you ever barf of me again I will light you on fire. Is that when you stole constable skinks pants? ......Ahh your barf smells like vicks vapour rub and doritos.... yuck!
FF: Yeah we stole pants and I put them on cause I like to have put my genitals where other mens genitals come from. ..... but We all had to get out of there before ol stinky skiny beard came down from up stairs and before on constinkieskink woke up from his extende' sleep du shit.
B: Did all three of you get on the snowmobile? Do you realize that it is June? .....
FF: Yes i know it is a bit de strange but it is mon only mode de transport. You know you can still go 100 miles an hour on le sled in the summer? ... hahaha tres viet ... the only thing is I go through le skis very fast cause de pave. So I droppe Darrell and ol fishy at her place and made off for home in the woods. I decided to take a short cut through de skate park and make' un petite jump for le fun.
B: Is that how you got in the tree?
FF: Yeah I shit my pants and blacked out right before I hit the vert rampe' going about 75 miles an hour. So I guesse' that might be how I got in the stupid tree .. I don't know who planned this skate park its no good fun for snowmobiles.
B: Well thats all I need to know , your snowmobile is being impounded until the winter unless you can come up with $10,000. You are very lucky that Harold and Sheila Skink initiated this entire jar of shit cause its the only reason you are getting off this easy. Harold's Dad ..Govenor Skink wants this swept under the rug as soon as possible. Is there anything else you have to say for youself?
FF: I just came in my soiled pants...I was jacking le snake during the whole interview!
B: That's it Frank... I've had enough.. GO HOME ..GO TO BED...GET A BRAIN!!!!
FF: Good night Burnter ... Shit happens!!!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Who invited the skinks?
I think it is necessary to get on with the story about how Darrell got mixed up with the retched hairless skinks. Skinks are traditionally a form of lizard but in this case they are Darrell's neighbors who live across the hall in apartment 365. Darrell was throwing a house warming party in his 34th apartment that he has had in the past seven years. Everyone was invited including Frank Franklin, Cynthia Fishburne, Jimmy Jenkins and all the sailors that lived down the street.
The party started off like any party that Darrell has ever hosted . He put on some music , broke out his barrel and got to work on a large bottle of rum. He started dancing and rolling around in his barrel and started chanting his favorite old drinking song... " Darrell in a Barrel" . This was amusing all of his new neighbors except for one couple, the Skinks. They did not appreciate the glorious uncensored kitchen party that was going on in front of them. They wanted to Jeff up Darrel's partying lifestyle and started to hatch a plan to foil future events. Thank god ol' Cynthia
'fishchimney' Fishburne overheard their plans and alerted Darrell. Darrell was too Darrelled to even take notice to the critical event and continued to hurl rocks at his dear friend Frank Franklin.
Harold Skink is one of those wieners that shaves his entire body and does not eat mayonnaise because it is unhealthy. It is incredibly weird that Harry has a stigma about hair .Harry's wife Sheila has an abundance of hair on her face. Don't worry about it, Sheila Skink shaves her face more often than Harold but does show a shadow on her face past the hour of three.
Darrell woke up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon to a totally disgraceful scene. His apartment looked like a war zone, filled with naked sailors and smashed jars of mayo. If there is anything in the world that makes Darrell fly out of his barrel, It would have to be seeing his beloved fishchimney in pain. She was screaming and yelling" Those hairless skinks hit me in the tits with a full jar of mayonnaise." At that very moment Darrell looked over to an equally unimpressed Frank Franklin and roared 'If I were a badger ... I'd burrow a hole straight into the skinks kitchen and teach them a thing or two about mayonnaise". Frank just knew that Darrell was quite angry and was taking out a personal vendetta towards the Skinks but lacked the ability to put it into words due to his daily battle with the DT's.
Darrell from Darrell in the barrel who lives in Apartment 364 now has a purpose in his life of drinking and disability checks which is to ruin a retched hairless Skinks life.
The party started off like any party that Darrell has ever hosted . He put on some music , broke out his barrel and got to work on a large bottle of rum. He started dancing and rolling around in his barrel and started chanting his favorite old drinking song... " Darrell in a Barrel" . This was amusing all of his new neighbors except for one couple, the Skinks. They did not appreciate the glorious uncensored kitchen party that was going on in front of them. They wanted to Jeff up Darrel's partying lifestyle and started to hatch a plan to foil future events. Thank god ol' Cynthia
'fishchimney' Fishburne overheard their plans and alerted Darrell. Darrell was too Darrelled to even take notice to the critical event and continued to hurl rocks at his dear friend Frank Franklin.
Harold Skink is one of those wieners that shaves his entire body and does not eat mayonnaise because it is unhealthy. It is incredibly weird that Harry has a stigma about hair .Harry's wife Sheila has an abundance of hair on her face. Don't worry about it, Sheila Skink shaves her face more often than Harold but does show a shadow on her face past the hour of three.
Darrell woke up at 4 o'clock in the afternoon to a totally disgraceful scene. His apartment looked like a war zone, filled with naked sailors and smashed jars of mayo. If there is anything in the world that makes Darrell fly out of his barrel, It would have to be seeing his beloved fishchimney in pain. She was screaming and yelling" Those hairless skinks hit me in the tits with a full jar of mayonnaise." At that very moment Darrell looked over to an equally unimpressed Frank Franklin and roared 'If I were a badger ... I'd burrow a hole straight into the skinks kitchen and teach them a thing or two about mayonnaise". Frank just knew that Darrell was quite angry and was taking out a personal vendetta towards the Skinks but lacked the ability to put it into words due to his daily battle with the DT's.
Darrell from Darrell in the barrel who lives in Apartment 364 now has a purpose in his life of drinking and disability checks which is to ruin a retched hairless Skinks life.
Skittle Tits
I have decided to start a blog for 2010. I bet many other people have opened up an account today with that exact statement . I doubt many of the other blogs also have a made up term to follow the boring and uneventful opening line.
Skittle Tits; small and unassuming chesticles that dance about the shirt with passion to be free and fruitful. Rarely stroked or teased but when provoked may make a man weak in the knees and the pants.
definition 2: a term to describe a certain level of idiocy.
uses in a sentence:
Franklin reached up Susie's shirt and to his surprise he found a half handful of skittle tits.
Susie was all skittle tits last night, I couldn't figure out anything she was saying.
I also will post random things like my idea for the day, these are things that i dream up but I am not able to do or act upon.
I think sushi restaurants should provide a dunkable container for to go orders. I am always a bit perplexed when I bring the sushi home. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with the single package of soya sauce and a styrofoam container.
heres the two solutions I propose:
Include a small cup like device that has a lid. This machine would be full of soya sauce and ready to dunk as soon as you are ready to devour the japanese miracle. I assume dixie makes said device for said activity and would be cheaper for sushi restaurants in the long run because they could buy all their soya sauce in bulk.
Idea number two would be to use a styrofoam or cardboard box that has a preplanned parking spot for the soya sauce. This would be a small area that would dam in the sauce and keep it from sliding around the box. No one wants a messy box..... No one wants un-soyaed sushi.
Also on a semi-daily basis I will write something else about darrell, skidder ralph, small mouth guy, powerline and frank franklin and the fundangeled foxes. These are all fictional characters that are close to my loins and soul. Their adventures of the mind , spirit and pants will be documented through this medium. All characters will be somehow linked through tragedy and tomfoolery. Tomorrow I will write about darrell and his trials and tribulations with the hairless skinks.
Happy New Decade ya bunch of weasels go out and grab a random mouthful of skittle tits and enjoy the new year!
Skittle Tits; small and unassuming chesticles that dance about the shirt with passion to be free and fruitful. Rarely stroked or teased but when provoked may make a man weak in the knees and the pants.
definition 2: a term to describe a certain level of idiocy.
uses in a sentence:
Franklin reached up Susie's shirt and to his surprise he found a half handful of skittle tits.
Susie was all skittle tits last night, I couldn't figure out anything she was saying.
I also will post random things like my idea for the day, these are things that i dream up but I am not able to do or act upon.
I think sushi restaurants should provide a dunkable container for to go orders. I am always a bit perplexed when I bring the sushi home. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with the single package of soya sauce and a styrofoam container.
heres the two solutions I propose:
Include a small cup like device that has a lid. This machine would be full of soya sauce and ready to dunk as soon as you are ready to devour the japanese miracle. I assume dixie makes said device for said activity and would be cheaper for sushi restaurants in the long run because they could buy all their soya sauce in bulk.
Idea number two would be to use a styrofoam or cardboard box that has a preplanned parking spot for the soya sauce. This would be a small area that would dam in the sauce and keep it from sliding around the box. No one wants a messy box..... No one wants un-soyaed sushi.
Also on a semi-daily basis I will write something else about darrell, skidder ralph, small mouth guy, powerline and frank franklin and the fundangeled foxes. These are all fictional characters that are close to my loins and soul. Their adventures of the mind , spirit and pants will be documented through this medium. All characters will be somehow linked through tragedy and tomfoolery. Tomorrow I will write about darrell and his trials and tribulations with the hairless skinks.
Happy New Decade ya bunch of weasels go out and grab a random mouthful of skittle tits and enjoy the new year!
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